We're All Mad Here

It was a rough day at school for the girls. Both of them stayed up all night the night before.

Helen had a headache.

But it was all worth it. Apparently Helen does better at school when she’s exhausted.

Imogen asked the school bus to stop early.

Because she needed to pass out.

On the lawn of the house next door to our apartment.

The taxi couldn’t find our apartment. I had to yell at the driver to let me out on the sidewalk before he drove away.

I might have just let him stop at a restaurant, but my adorable baby son was screaming.

I did manage to get home and put the kid to bed in his new crib. He was exhausted and full of milk, so he went to sleep immediately.

I had some peace and quiet! I made myself some veggie rolls. I forgot they were my favorite food. They’d never tasted so good.

I felt like a new woman. When William walked into the room, I jumped up.

“Look,” I said, “mistakes were made. Unfortunate things were said. Why don’t we start over?”

William looked like he’d been struck. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this!” he said.

“You divorced me, you crazy witch!”

“You don’t have to be so mean about it,” I said.

“Look,” I added. “Maybe we can start this conversation with a fresh perspective. How does this thing work again?”

“Don’t you point that thing at me,” William said.

Too late. I pushed the button.

“Wow!” William said. “I see rainbows. Groovy.”

“I can’t believe how good I feel,” he said. “I don’t know what you just zapped me with, but it was amazing.”

“Now do you think we can start over?” I asked.

William screwed up his face, seemingly caught in a battle between two feelings. I held my breath.

“Wow,” he said at last. “They’re beautiful. And all sparky, with happy rainbow soap bubbles all over. Thank you!”

“I missed you,” I said. “I’m sorry I was a crazed hormonal bitch. Please forgive me.”

William looked deeply into my eyes. “I forgive you,” he whispered.

“But if you ever do that again, I will rip your arms off.”

“Done,” I said.

“You’re so sexy when you’re scary,” I said. “Why don’t we head upstairs where it’s more private?”

“Do you think it would be gauche if we had another big wedding?” William asked.

“Come upstairs and we’ll discuss it…. in detail,” I said.

“Sure,” William said. “It really stinks down here.”

“It would smell better if someone besides me did any cleaning around here,” I said.

So we celebrated our renewed relationship the best kind of way.

Though we probably should have checked who was in the room first.

I’m pretty sure Franklin didn’t see anything, though. He was technically dead at the time.

“That was amazing,” I said.

“You know I’ve still got the magic,” William agreed.

“You two are so cute!” Bungle said in my ear. “Is it time to talk about our feelings?”

“I think I need to go to bed now,” I said pointedly.

While I was sleeping off stress, childbirth, and woohoo, William was sweet and cleaned up the bathroom.

It wasn’t much use, though, since the broken faucet just spilled water all over the floor again.

Micky and Daisy got into an epic battle for dominance of the household.

Micky won.

But Daisy lost with style.

Franklin looked over the nursery decorations.

And found the wanting. Of course.

And William proved what a good father he really is.

Franklin wasn’t too bad at caring for his baby brother either. He wasn’t so much with the cuddles, but he made sure the baby was actually fed.

The kids ate dinner outside again. It was the only way to avoid the stench in the dining room.

“You know,” Helen suggested, “We could actually clean up.”

“That’s a crazy idea,” Gideon said. “Let’s do it.”

Voila! Much less stink.

Afterward, Helen did her homework, vampire style.

Gideon contemplated his surroundings.

Imogen got into an argument with the wall.

Which she won.

I woke up after a wonderful beauty rest and made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for everyone to take to school.

With a little bit of that special something.

Ba-da-bing!

Magnifique!

Then I fixed the bathtub. For one beautiful moment, every appliance and fixture in the house worked.

Life. I got this.

———-

Honor Roll: 1 + 1 = 2

Passing Out: 18 + 1 = 19

It was so awesome that Helen made honor roll, and then Imogen canceled her out.

I was never terribly into Erin and William being divorced. I let it to as long as I found it entertaining, and then I got them back together.