We're All Mad Here

[Erin]

Caitlin couldn’t stop talking about this girl she kissed at prom. A girl! She swore she was going to call her as soon as she got home. As far as I know, she never did call her.

We didn’t notice until we got home that Deanne wasn’t with us.

She turned up later looking pretty funny. She said she didn’t want to talk about it.

But, wow, did she make the rest of us want to jump off a cliff.

It’s hard to imagine them gone. The house is going to feel empty without them.

I did my best to smile for their sake. Moving out has to be scary. I’m never going to do it unless Mama and Mum kick me out on my butt.

Deanne didn’t try to so hard to put on a brave face. She can be a real pain sometimes.

And, of course, Mum got called for an emergency right in the middle of cake. She always gets called at the worst possible moment.

Apparently the local gypsies got very confused about what air conditioning was for.

Mum sorted them out.

Deanne and I were kind of ticked at Mum for leaving while we were saying goodbye to Caitlyn and Christof. She swore she’d make it up to everyone. She wanted us to have a real Snowflake Day with the whole family.

I loved the idea. What a great way to get presents!

Caitlyn and Christof were the first ones to arrive. I guess they weren’t so eager to be out on their own after all.

Grandma.

Larry Pierce from school? I thought this was supposed to be a family party!

And Caitlyn’s ex Gustavo Singh?

Who is this, anyway?

Everyone rushed to drop their pitch-in food on the end table in the folks’ room instead of the kitchen counter or the dining table, which are much closer. It seems to be a tradition.

Then Mum breeze by. “Erin!” she said. “Did you clean your room like I told you? I invited a few more people to the party. I’m sure nobody minds. Have you met William Pierce? He’s an old friend from the fire station. You might have met him before. He’s your little friend Larry’s daddy.”

Oh.

Thanks, Mum, you just told my cosmic soulmate that I’m still a teenager. You just ruined my life.

I don’t think William Pierce — isn’t that a beautiful name? So sensual! — was even listening. Deanne was doing that thing she does again.

Then we got down to the important stuff — the swag.

I got exactly what I wanted!

But then this lady, Dawn Saunders, had to make everything about HER. Apparently she just split with her husband or something. Some people are just drama queens.

Branden got a chemistry set. He was very sweet about it.

HE just sat in the back, cool as a cucumber, and watched everyone giggling and unwrapping.

William mocked her for being all old and saggy. Sure, he was kind of an asshole, but he was so eloquent about it.

I think he got something arty. He seemed to like it.

I know who bought Mama’s gift.

Grandma got coal!

Whose bright idea was that? Certainly not mine. She’s so old that the shock could induce cardiac arrest or something.

When we were done with the important stuff, Caitlin told everyone about her new job. She certainly looked great.

She was really into music, so I didn’t expect her to get a job as a corporate drone. But you just never know what makes people tick sometimes.

I’m certainly not going to get a job with The Man. I’m going to be my own boss.

At any rate, the party ran late because we wanted to maximize our family time. But I have to admit that after William left, I found it hard to pay much attention. Visions of his amazing face, not to mention his amazing chest, kept fluttering through my mind.

But my folks wanted to try out Mama’s present.

I locked myself in my room before they could get really gross.

I’m sure that seeing them together will land me in therapy later in life as it is.